Friday, December 4, 2009

Introducing The Top Seven List...

All right people, I'm excited to introduce a new segment to this here blog that'll eventually prove to be a running gag, which will either be a staple for the creative contingent of literary dribble that is the crux of this here blog, or will simply serve as some filler for whenever I'm lacking in really great material. Sorry to do this to you... but at any rate, in the tradition of late night host David Letterman, here's my Top Ten List, or actually Top Seven List because a) I can't think of that many reasons for doing what I do in terms of providing some amusing fodder for an avid reader's digestive intake and b) Contextual imitation is not the sincerest form of flattery, but instead the grounds for a copyright infringement! And since I'm earning slave wages and literally drowning in a sea of debt, here goes...

The Top Seven Signs that You're F*$%ing Off At Work

7) You take one too many needless bathroom breaks... not only during your scheduled lunch hour, but before and after that time. And by needless, I mean; just frequenting the toilet stall to either simply sit down and relax, or to check your hair and/or face to make sure that you haven't accidentally rubbed some correctional fluid all over yourself as you were just wiping your nose after the air conditioned sinuses kicked in... and that's usually after you spot some error on your respective paperwork. You see how that works, boys and girls? It's all rigged, I tells ya!

6) If your idea of perfectly scheduled bio rhythmic office hours include a time frame of about approximately 10:30 in the morning 'til about 5:00 in the afternoon is not coinciding or simply conflicting with just the regular 8:30 AM to 5:30 PM office grind, then chances are that you take the sleep deprivation cake on this one!

5) If you browse the internet constantly, despite the continuous amount of warnings from your network computer specialist who will most likely hold a great amount of passive aggressive contempt for your bored to death ass; simply to buy stuff on eBay, check the stock market to see how your shares are doing, or log in and out of Facebook, Twitter, and/or MySpace (preferably all of them in any given setting, simultaneously with all of your respective browser's tabs open all at same time!) only to ring him up and ask if he can fix your computer because it just "stalled on you unexpectedly" then chances are you deserve a medal for your dedicated work as an evil genius...

4) You order your meal for the day (be it breakfast, brunch, lunch, and maybe even dinner if you expect to work late) from any given restaurant chain out there that provides delivery and charge it to your companies' credit card that your office's accounting department just can't balance out to save their lives with. I mean, it's not like they're really going to figure this petty little $29.95 Chinese food expenditure with the highly generous $50.00 tip right away. After all, they've got miles and miles of paperwork to catch up on. What's that? It's 2009 already?!? We're still on the 2005 time zone. Sorry!

3) If you have your iPod, walk man, or any other portable audio listening device surgically attached to your head with the volume level turned on at full blast while they're paging you on the office intercom and/or your boss is standing approximately less than two feet away trying to get your attention. At times like these, it helps to engage in a handy little tunnel vision effect that requires you to appear as though you're really consumed by whatever it is that you're doing, just so as to give the appearance that you actually care enough about your job, but need just a little fix of decaffeinated heroin to get by your busy and regularly scheduled work day...

2) You've successfully managed to delve into the whole concept of Life Imitating Art Imitating Life by saving an image of the infamous Dunder & Mifflin Paper Company logo from The Office in order to use it as your desktop wallpaper at work, just to illustrate a highly obscure inside-joke-of-a-point as to how much of an incompetent individual you really are for whatever job it is that you may be assigned to be doing; highly efficiently and/or otherwise...

Work Computer Image
Yes indeed, the proof
is in the pudding...

1) You actually have the brass to sit down and type up such a foolish list such as this one while you're bored to death at work... need I say more?

This has been the overtly underachieving inefficiency expert P.S. Elliott or the exceedingly laid back Dr. Gonzo XXVII reporting for the disassociated press, that is... The Gnoyze Guitar Mods & More Web Blog.

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