Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Top Seven Reasons Why Miami Sucks...

This here's my sarcastic ode to the city of the fun and sun (whatever that means) that pretty much sums up why Miami (in all its dull, lackluster glory) just plain sucks. Enjoy!

Top 7 Reasons Why...

Miami Sucks

7) The new stadium being built in the wake of the Orange Bowl's demolition. The damn thing looks like a combination high-rise/metro rail service station/excessive waste of taxpayer money. Need I say more?

6) The fact that we're each contributing to the local mayor's lease on his brand new BMW 550i Turismo Sedan and we're not even allowed to take a spin around in it. Maybe you can't really claim joyrides at your end of the year tax expenses, eh Mr. Mayor?

6b) And speaking of cars... doesn't anyone know how to drive in this godforsaken city? It seems like every idiot down here obtained their driver's license from their local bodega.

5) The fact that climate change is a problem to the rest of the world and only just another day in the shade to us third world natives over here.  Shall we continue...?

4) Calle Ocho, Flagler Street, and Miami Avenue playing host to a clean air harmonica bus that spews forth the most godawful carcinogenic mushroom clouds... on any busy day of the work week, typically during rush hour. Enough said!

3) Miami's notoriety based primarily on its exotic hotspots, awfully warm climate, sunny beaches, and it's beautiful eye candy, is devoid of being notoriously written about (enough that is) when it comes to its plastic sense of indifference towards the local yokels (such as me, myself, and moi); petroleum ridden high tides; SPF-100,000* wide open testing grounds (where any and all applicants are free to test market this chemical sludge without any prior working knowledge and/or authorized consent for that matter...); as well as its lushly furnished living accommodations at the Stomata Inn, the number one choice touristic destination for any and all wayward transient stay meth lab pharmacists that the world has come to know and loathe.

2) The Miami Music Scene? What music scene?!?

1) Two words: Tar balls!

This has been P.S. Elliott (AKA: his holiness of wholesomeness Dr. Gonzo XXVII) reporting for the disassociated press, that is... The Gnoyze Guitar Mods & More Web Blog.

* This new sun block formula has been known to cause mild headaches, cramps, fatigues, nausea, vomiting, swelling of the glands, loss of motor skills, potential brain damage, and sporadic instances of going into an extended interpretation of the Macarena without any form of musical accompaniment whatsoever. Patients should consult their doctors before use. If a rash occurs, don't say they didn't warn you! Don't try to sue us either, for we have an army of lawyers at our disposal with air tight limited liability contracts drawn out that are systematically designed to fuck over the little guy and keep us in power. So suck on that, bitch! Caution: keep out of contact with the eyes and/or mouth. If accidental swallowing or ingestion of this product occurs, contact your local hospital immediately before permanent blindness occurs. And then continue to suck on it some more, bitch! Continued side effects varies from patient-to-patient usage. If you have passed your recommended dosage (er... I mean, clearly defined and stated skin application) chances are you're now hooked on our designer brand patented formula, which technically makes you an expendable statistic as far as we're concerned. How you like me know? You like that, huh? Now suck it off and wipe yourself after you're done, ya skank! Patients that are prone to migraines, seizures, salsa, merengue, and bachatas, should refrain from use of this topical (and/or tropical) cream. They should just pass it by on the isles of their convenient store and look for something better, if not practically cheaper. And if all else fails, it's probably best to look at the expiration date, for chances are you probably applied it about a year and a half after it's terminal shelf life. SPF 100,000 is not sold in stores and can only be purchased illegally in some third world country, and flown in overnight on an ultralight craft by a certified pilot named Pepe Fracaso. He only works on weekends and holidays for the going rate of about $1,000,000 an hour, so please be sure to contact your tax preparer for any and all potential IRS audits that are and will be sure to ensue after your purchase.

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