Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Top Seven Reasons Why Your Job Sucks!!!

Hello again, my fellow prisoners, I'm slowly starting to arrive at the conclusion that my life is never going to get that much better than the sad, sorry, shape that it's in right now. This is (just like the movie) As Good As It Gets! So because of this, I realize that it's much better to blog about these things than to keep it bottled up inside of me, until it slowly eats its way out from inside me like some sort of unmentionable terminal cancer or something. So without any further ado, here's the..


7) Whilst at work, you are subjected to hearing long sermons (AKA: water cooler talk) about trivial unimportant stuff that's not even remotely related to your field of interests--- for example, the new Harry Potter film and how it may or may not remain true to the book; restaurant spots to take your date, fiance, and/or significant other on; (What significant other, motherfucker?!? That's my hand you're talkin' 'bout, you idiot!) some vampire meets werewolf and have some sort of illegitimate offspring together type of movie, that just so happens to be the bomb because some teeny bopper zine wrote about it in some high profile celebrity rag drab out there (and these movies, by the way, usually star some post adolescent Mouseketeers that are about long overdue for an almost certain trip to a rehab clinic of some sort); and/or just about any other annoying thing anybody out there with a perfectly sane mind can think of, that will and almost certainly manage to annoy the hell out of "normal" people like you and me; or simply yours truly over here... come to think of it, everything annoys me severely! So fuck you, too!

6) Your boss's idea of saving up on his electrical bill by constantly conserving needless energy (such as air conditioning) is at odds with your own level of thermodynamic self-preservation. In other words, the AC shall be cranked up to artic blast during winter and set to Beezelbub's room temperature during the summer.* No wonder personal electric fans are still a hot selling item this side of Scandinavia!

5) During your moments of clarity (that is when the voices in your head are not instructing you to stab your co-workers in the eye with any one of the office fax machines) you keep getting this repeat mantra, that goes a little something like this: "You've worked here for about seven years of your miserable pathetic life, and all your earning is just a few measly cents upon what you used to earn when you first got here! Why can't you find a better job for yourself? Why'd you quit college? It serves you right... blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!" This, of course, will be preceded by a very low and continuous hum; sort of like what yogi gurus use to meditate in select parts of the western world, as they are constantly earning millions upon millions of dollars suckering some uptight corporate office drones out of their hard earned cash! Ohhhhhmmmmmmmmm! Ohhhhhhmmmmmmmm! Payday today, Master Chatbrakah Pandinger Singh? I thought that was yesterday? Ohhhhhmmmmmmm! Ohhhhmmmmmm!

5b) Raise? What raise...?

4) People who don't really care about you enough to do the proverbial meet and greet with you on the weekends and/or any and all bank related holidays at just about any typical garden variety watering hole constantly have the nerve to come up to you and ask: "So how was your weekend?" that is, after they interrupt your response by sharing yet another one of those status: unconscious via total inebriation stories that only make sense to them and whoever they invited to witness that spectacle firsthand... these invitees by the way, are usually every other one of your co-workers (minus you, of course!).

3) You constantly find yourself glancing at your watch, your computer's atomic clock, and/or your telephone's clock digital display just to make sure you're still in sync with the times. Because the last thing you want to do is clock out a bit too late... that is, you want to be the first to get the hell out of here, when you're usually the last one to show up on time! Go figure...

2) Overtime? What overtime?!?

1) You have to continue doing this waking up in the middle of your prolonged weekend routine (AKA: doing the Monday morning grind) until you've managed to pay off the large amount of debt you accrued just by betting all your earnings at the roulette table that is Wall Street!

This has been P.S. Elliott (or the highly evaporated disgruntled office employee going by the pseudonym of Dr. Gonzo XXVII) reporting for the disassociated press, that is... The Gnoyze Guitar Mods & More Web Blog. Peace (frog) out!

* No joke here, folks... this is 99.9% true; with that 0.1% there for posterity purposes, which goes to give the head honcho some likely benefit of the doubt.

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