Sunday, November 14, 2010

The Legend of Zelda Dream Cast

Greetings again my fellow film buffs, I just wanted to take this time to announce a new series of installments that all center around the usual nerdy/geeky movie buff's (such as me, myself, and I don't think so!) attempts to prove to the word that he knows a thing or two about the right casting decisions... more than the typical Hollywood machine would give him credit for--- or at least manage to pay some semblance of some pretty decent scale for.

I'd like to start off with this gem that I found whilst channel surfing the net. And that is the Legend of Zelda movie, which isn't exactly a movie, but more like a cruel practical joke (that just so happened to be put out there on April 1st) played by some pretty ingenuitive and highly elaborate production company. The actor portraying Link even looks like Jesse Eisenberg! You have to see this for yourself, so click on the player below...




Let's imagine, if you will, that there are not some pretty twisted sons of bitches out there who have nothing to do but to yank the proverbial cranks of some diehard followers of The Legend of Zelda franchise, and that some slick wheeling and dealing Hollywood producer would actually consider producing an actual live action film based on this highly successful gaming series. Well, let me just begin by offering you all what I believe to be the perfect dream cast.


For the role of the Elvin-like hero, the part should go (hands down) to Michael Cera. Reason being, that he's already had some experience playing an action adventure comic book superhero (i.e. Scott Pilgrim) so why not become step into the shoes of a legendary video game hero by the name of Link? It could happen...

As for our fair princess Zelda, let's give the part to our favorite cheerleader, whose world can be saved if we just save her in time! And that part should go to none other than Hayden Panettiere. All that's required here is just some minor adjustments to her ears (some left over Vulcan prosthetics should come in handy) and you've got yourself a heroine or damsel in distress (depending on how close the script will respect the source material and all)!

As for the villain, well... who better can fill the shoes of the evil wizard Gannon than Oliver Platt? Why not? He certainly looks like he can easily pull off the role of a pig-like demon, no? Well, technically, the character has a more boar-like appearance than anything. But still, Oliver did do a phenomenal job of making a pig of himself in the original Showtime series Huff (letter to the execs: why the hell did they have to cancel this show?!?)

And the part of the sage old man who guides Link along his quest (in the underworld dungeons, in the over world caves, and just about everywhere and anywhere else... kind of makes you wonder if they had hologram projection capabilities in Hyrule, doesn't it?) can easily be played by Sir Ian McKellen. I'm not exactly sure if he's been knighted yet or not, but what the hell? Any actor with a thick English accent deserves to be a Sir sooner or later in their career, no? All that's needed is some left over wardrobe from The Lord of the Rings films, with maybe some slight tailor made modifications here and there and you've got yourself some Oscar award winning material on your hands, here folks...

Who knows? Maybe we can get Tim Burton or maybe M. Night Shyamalan to direct it and/or write it (for that matter). And this choice of course, would mean that either Helena Bonham Carter and/or Johnny Depp would also be involved in the film. Perhaps, Johnny would be my second choice to play Ganon. Helena could easily pull off the part of the Old Woman. And my apologies if that last statement sounded like a jab against this actress' complexion... I'm simply going by the makeup work she underwent in the film Big Fish, when she was playing the part of the Witch. Anyways, this is just a crazy pitch of an idea that's most likely to go nowhere on my part (as usual). So don't take it too seriously, folks! After all, this farce may just be right on par with a Butterfly Effect sequel! One was perfect enough, Hollywood! In the meantime, stay tuned for our next dream cast installment...

This has been P.S. Elliott (AKA: Dr. Gonzo XXVII; the Movie Guy?) reporting for the disassociated press, that is... The Gnoyze Guitar Mods & More Web Blog..

And Now, A Word from Our Sponsors...