Wednesday, November 17, 2010

The Man From U.N.C.L.E. Dream Cast

Hello again, my fellow film buffs... I just thought I'd put up this post before it was too late; meaning, before they announce the actual finalized and official lineup for the movie adaptation of The Man from U.N.C.L.E., and not just put out some publicly announced speculation..., which I'm slowly developing a taste for, ever since I picked up the complete DVD collection of this classic 60's show as an import made and shipped directly from China (please visit this link for more details). Yes, that's right... it's cheaper, but sometimes you can tell it's a real bad bootleg because the video freezes up or the disc has been burnt incorrectly (i.e. wrong episode on the wrong disc)! But who cares? It's fun to welcome randomness like that into one's life... along with some pretty cool factory error'ed souvenirs, that were produced by slave driven labor... Far be it from me to not directly make a contribution to China's wealthy economy; because after all is said and done... I'm an American, with a capital I- A,M- A,N- Idiot!

Well, you can argue economics all you like, but it's basically a double edged sword here, when you come to think about it. Because for every penny that's thrown their way, you can either help feed one of their starving villages (if you can find one!) or bid farewell to about say... a million or so dollars that we have currently tied up in their business ventures. Hell, when you really come to think about it; I wouldn't be surprised if Asia moves into our country and leaves an eviction notice on our homes, which had recently been repossessed by all of our banks... oh wait, they own the banks to, sorry my bad! But always remember, you're in good hands! And speaking of good hands, can you please massage my back just a little further down? Yes, that's right! Thank you Kim. Your name is Kim, right? Oh what's that? I'm under arrest?!? But this is a health clinic, right? No I wasn't asking for you to perform an unsavory sexual act... I was just blogging about a bitchin' movie idea!

Okay, well--- before I go off on that tangent and attempt to plea my case before a court somewhere in a Mormon community somewhere; let's take a look at what I'd envision to be the perfect Man from U.N.C.L.E. cast, should Hollywood decide to listen to my insanity, that is! Just so you know, I'm working on a couple of script ideas, that will most likely be revised, re-edited, and revamped into a more passively compromised secondhand draft that I'll openly disavow any knowledge of and inevitably disown as coming from my imagination. So, with all that being said... here's what would have been the perfect dream cast.

Dream Cast 1
Dream Lineup No. 1 (L to R): Kyle MacLachlan,
Ben Foster, the late Pat Hingle.

This first lineup, which includes Kyle MacLachlan (of Twin Peaks fame), Ben Foster (the badass from 3:10 to Yuma), and Pat Hingle (who sadly passed away a few years back) is primarily based on the semblance to the original cast of Robert Vaughn, David McCallum, and Leo G. Carroll.

See for yourself...

Of course, a lineup like this is hard to put together, mainly because one of the actors is dead; this actor is no more; this actor has ceased to be (thank you Monty Python parrot sketch!) and also because of how vain and shallow the industry is sometimes towards actors in their forties. Just because we live in the age of stupid, where lines of experience and sage wisdom can simply be removed by a botox injection or some kind of surgical procedure that involves stretching of some flabby skin over to the back of the skull; simply to look youthful. That's the price they pay for vanity, folks! Anyways, I wouldn't doubt that some hot shot Hollywood mogul out there would make the stupid assumption that Mr. MacLachlan wouldn't be a strong enough contender for the lead role of Napoleon Solo simply because of his age, or some poor excuse like that... even though he bears quite a striking resemblance to Robert Vaughn. All you need to do is squint your eyes a bit and look at his chin and how his look like whenever he smiles. It's almost identical to Robert Vaughn's jaw line and pearly set of whites! So with that being said, here's the more likely cast that Hollywood will almost certainly go with...

Dream Cast 2
Dream Lineup No. 2 (L to R): George Clooney,
Sean William Scott, Eddie Izzard

I figure that there's a good chance George Clooney will play the role of Solo, simply because of his previous work with Steven Soderbergh (i.e. Out of Sight, which practically made Clooney a household name!) and Sean William Scott will most likely wind up with the role if someone else can't make it, possibly due to some busy scheduling conflicts. Eddie Izzard will most likely play Waverly, simply because he has worked with Clooney before (i.e. Ocean's Twelve and Thirteen) plus he's English, which gives him all the credentials (and upshot advantage) which are needed to play the role of Alexander Waverly. So there you go...Personally, I think that the ultimate line up would involve Kyle MacLachlan as Napoleon Solo, Ben Foster, for his uncanny resemblance to Illya Kuryakin, and Eddie Izzard as Alexander Waverly, which may require some slight aesthetic in the hair and makeup department to make Eddie look a bit older, but I'm sure he'd be the perfect shoe in for the job, either way! Plus, he's one of my favorite comedians, so I just couldn't pass up the chance to nominate him in the name of the prime minister of Burundi, whilst planting a flag on the moon and then proceeding to ask: "Is this the sea of tranquility?" I'm not too crazy about Soderbergh directing it though, since the directorial responsibilities should be given to Richard Donner... I mean, after all, he did direct a number of episodes from the original series. So why wouldn't it make sense for him to direct the film?!?

Also, as a little bonus trivia; which may or may not be an actual piece of trivia, but a really big coincidence here... when George Lucas and Steven Spielberg penned Indiana Jones, it was originally going to be called Indiana Smith; which I'm sure you die hard fans already know, but they were considering doing a James Bond type spy movie as an alternate project. Doesn't this little tidbit strike you as monumentally coincidental that Harrison Ford, who played Han Solo in George's earlier project Star Wars bears the same last name as Napoleon?!? And furthermore, the prop guns used in the movie and in the show (which was later edited into full movies as well) were both of the same lines of guns that were developed and made possible by the Third Reich! Solo's blaster was a modified Broomhandle Mauser C96 and the sensational prop gun featured in The Man from U.N.C.L.E. was a Mauser Model 1934 Pocket Pistol, which was eventually replaced by a Walther P38 Pistol, simply because it was unreliable (i.e. kept jamming). Hmmm... just what is it about fallen dictatorships' choice of firearms that make for sensational movie prop weapons? I'll never know... There was even an episode where a character made a reference to a familiar group of unsavory characters (i.e. The Thugee cult) and later on the goddess Kali is mentioned. Ring a bell, folks? Looks like someone's liable to get sued here, folks!

Oh well, until next time... this has been Dr. Gonzo XXVII (AKA: P.S. Elliott; Special Agent in charge of Special Detail Section 7E - Northwest Sanitation Division) reporting for the International Agency of Smart Ass Remarks and Comments, otherwise known as the IASRC, but more commonly referred to as The Gnoyze Guitar Mods & More Web Blog. Open channel D!

P.S. Oh... and one more thing, this movie wouldn't be complete if it didn't feature any cameos by the members of the old cast, so Robert Vaughan and David McCallum should have to appear as a requisite, otherwise you shouldn't bother watching the film!

And Now, A Word from Our Sponsors...