Saturday, April 26, 2014

More Job Faring BS...!

Hello once again, my fellow prisoners... Just thought I'd write this supplemental to my last blog piece/list of grievances as it relates to my present job hunt, which is pretty much frustrating. But at any rate, as I stated before... the best way to find a job via Craigslist is to do a search for apply in person jobs, and like an idiot... I didn't stick to that game plan. And so, I was treated to this email response which is wrought with scamming bullshit. So for the sake of illustrating what I like to call the anatomy of an online phishing scam, I'd like to relay this message that was sent to me, by the likes of yet another bottom feeding piece of shit scammer without nothing else better to do than to take advantage of some poor schmuck (like yours truly over here) who just so happens to be down on his financial luck. That being said... just pay attention to the comments (or very astute observations on my behalf) written in bold, as they all serve as an in depth technical analysis/play-by-play sarcastic remarks stemming from the smart aleck mind of yours truly over here).

Sarcasm Just One More Service I Offer, Free of Charge Image

Hello there, (Note the word "there" itself. What's it doing there? Hello is enough! It's also a bit too informal... why not try Dear Job Applicant instead?)

Thanks for checking my Job (needless capitalization of the letter J) ad in regards to an Office Assistant (O and A capitalized for no apparent reason as well) and for writing as well and my apologies for just getting back at you. (Apologies? Well... it is a waiting game after all isn't it? I apply and hope to hear from you, the employer! That's how this application process works dumb ass!) My name is (insert dumb bitch fuck of a fake ass name here) and I am into the sales of Wedding Gowns (Again with some more needless and useless capitalization here...) and some other wedding apparatus You mean like...chastity belts? as well, been doing this for about 3 years now and I feel it's time I have a shop space of mine. It took you three years to arrive at this conclusion?!? Fuck...! I would also want to seize this medium Seize this medium? You mean, like... seize the day? What a quintessential remark for such an existential asshole! to inform you that and am hard on hearing, Of course, you mean hard of hearing... and probably just as dumb in the proper grammar usage department, too, eh!?! though I read lips and know the sign language The sign language? Well, I happen to know the universal sign of the bird... does that qualify? (I believe this shouldn't be a hindrance in us working together if you are interested in filling up the position). Well, no, but since you went to the extent of including that last remark in parentheses, I'm assuming that your calling attention to your disability is supposed to make me feel sorry for you, huh? Well, tough titties, bitch! Presently, I am in the process of completing payment for a shop space in the Miami Area Gee... what a coincidence! That's the same thing the police investigators are currently doing! (Checking one out at non specific general address omitted and another at actual address omitted) and I need someone I can trust and work with as my assistant and also take care of the store while am away on business trips, you mean like a patsy for when the police shows up inquiring as to your wherabouts, right? someone who is reliable, patient and has good communication skills. I have received a lot of responses in regards to the job position (No shit!?! Wow... I must be the luckiest man on Earth, next to Lou Gehrig, that is!) Ad, (once again, some needless capitalization on the letter A) however, you seem suitable for the job position (right, because I look like a desperate sucker to you, right?) as I have gone through your Resume (capital R... is that your way of calling attention towards lil' ole' me?) and I think you fit the position. Should you be interested in working with me, (well... wasn't that the whole point of this exercise in futility?) I expect you to be of good character, (well, that's one strike against me since I did write this blog with you in mind) fluent in English (nah, I speak Bad English only... and in the proper King's English, too, I might add) and must follow instructions as laid out to you. (Yeah... just so I can repeat this bogus set of instructions to any and all criminal investigative authorities out there and have them follow up their usual line of questioning with: What are you stupid or something, kid?!? You should know better than to trust some deaf bitch that's constantly going out on "business trips" to scout for "job" locations!) Some of the duties to be performed include;

* Answering phones (AKA: phone bitch)

* Data Entry (AKA: typing bitch)

* Greeting Customers (AKA: greeter bitch)

* Sales and Record Keeping (AKA: sales bitch)

* Organizing and maintaining files in an orderly fashion (AKA: organizational bitch)

* Receiving payments and keeping payment record slips etc. (AKA: accounting bitch)

You will be working only four days a week (And is that part time or full time?) and that will be from Mondays - Thursdays, starting from 9.30.a.m - 4.p.m. (Definitely part time...) There will be a 30mins (no space, and incorrect plural) break each day for lunch or whatever the case might be. Your Renumeration/Wage is (Surely, you must mean remuneration, and not re-numeration... as in changing my phone number so that you won't ever get in touch with me again, right?) stipulated at $600/wk with a weekly meal subsidy of $15/day payable every Mondays. (Subsidy? The fuck? Do I look like a farmer now?!?)

WTF Monday Thru Sunday Calendar Image

That being said, I am a simple person and I believe that you will enjoy working with me (Oh God, no!) as working with me is about understanding and loyalty. (Yeah, I understand that I cannot see myself working with a deaf woman that I'd probably have to be screaming at all day long just to get my point across!) Presently, I have my hands filled up as I have some Gowns (And that's... capital G as in G Spot?) coming in next week for some customers who already made payment and also some other gowns that will be going to the New store once I complete payment upon arrival with the Gowns. (Again with the capital letters... are you trying to spell out some secret code in this here email exchanges? I'm sure the NSA would be happy to deconstruct this!) I sincerely hope that you can work with me and if you are interested in this position, kindly get back to me with the following information below so we can proceed with getting acquainted. However, please NOTE that payment will commence once you accept the position as I need to ascertain your efficiency and loyalty. (Loyalty? What the fuck... am I working for the mob here?)

FULL NAMES: (No, I think one name is enough! Unless you want my list of known aliases?)

ADDRESS, Include Apt # If Available (No PO.BOX please): (Right... bogus fowarding P.O. Box addresses are your thing, right?)

CITY: (Well, I can only assume that I'm applying for a local job, unless required travel is a stipulation in my contract... like say, working somewhere in bum fucked Egypt?!?)

STATE: (As in my personal state of affairs? Well it's compete FUBAR, thank you for asking!)

ZIP CODE: (Too revealing, next question)

HOME PHONE #: (Again, too personal... don't want to hear from you or any of the customers you're scamming!)

MOBILE PHONE# (As if random complaints from customers to my home phone number weren't bad enough... now they're hounding me on my cell phone!)

EMAIL ADDRESS: (Not to be confused for the one I sent you my resume through, huh?)

SEX: (Are you asking me out on a date here, bitch?!?)

AGE: (You really are asking me out on a date, aren't ya bitch?)

I will be looking forward to your response and till then, remain Blessed and have a wonderful day. (Spoken like a true Nigerian email scam... FUCK YOU!) ***KINDLY SEND A COPY OF YOUR RESPONSE TO MY PERSONAL EMAIL AS WELL FOR REFERENCE - (Bogus email address at an AOL dot com address... what the fuck are we living in the 1990's here or some shit?).

Kind regards,

(Insert bitch ass first name here)

(Insert long distance telephone number here... you know, in the event that I should be desperate enough to pay for this call) (PLEASE NOTE: WOULD APPRECIATE TEXT MESSAGES ONLY AS YOUR CALL WILL BE FORWARDED TO VOICEMAIL) (No need to raise your text at me! Especially when you're mining for some form of incriminating evidence to use against me in the form of a text log... ain't no way I'm going to be find guilty via means of association, alone, ya dig?).

So, what's the moral of the story here boys and girls? Well, for starters... NEVER give out your information over the internet to anyone. Even if it's just menial shit like a contact number for them to communicate with. The best way to submit a resume online is simply to exclude your contact information and simply ask for the employer to contact you at the very same email address that you sent the resume from so that you can set up an interview at a physical (NO BULLSHIT) address. And as far as references are concerned, don't leave your friends/co-workers/families' numbers in the resume... just leave the usual references available upon request line in there. And if you ever have to deal with one of these bogus scamming fiends, just forward your email along with the full header of the email (so that the investigative forensic technical geeks can track these bastards down) to the proper authorities. And if all else fails, well... you're fucked, plain and simple!

This has been the once illustrious P.S. Elliott (AKA: Dr. Gonzo XXVII) showing off his pearls (or is it perils?) of wisdom, and/or simply reporting for the disassociated press, that is... The Gnoyze Guitar Mods & More Web Blog.

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