Monday, April 6, 2015

Customer Disservice, Part II

Hello yet again, my fellow prisoners... I figured I follow up this last post with what I'm hoping will be a three part epic describing my bad experiences with the wonderful world of eBay (AKA: That worldwide garage sale as Weird Al best referred to it as...) or maybe two and a half if I can successfully manage to edit all these daft run-on sentences of mine into a clearly logical order for the sake of all my avid readers' digestive tracts out there. And since I mentioned one of my idols, I thought it would be befitting to include an embedded video of the song in question as a sort of musical accompaniment to this here blog piece I'm about to unfold... (So please just hit play now and keep reading).

I remember a few weeks back... or maybe it was about a month ago; sorry I've seemed to lost track of time, but that tends to happen when one finds themselves without a job and the only means of survival is selling things that they consider valuable just to get by. This is what the better half of my day consists of, mind you. But enough about my sob story, you're here to read something rather amusing... and here it is. About a month ago, while driving my mother to my aunt's house, I found myself in a slight traffic jam that was caused by an accident at the corner just up ahead, which was currently being populated by a few police cars and a firetruck. Not a small fire rescue van, mind you... no, I'm talking about the big red engine trucks that have ladders and extendable hoses on them with the optional canine accessory (preferably a Dalmatian) as a visual mascot. So this truck is parked against traffic and decides to take advantage of the red traffic light that's currently holding the flow of traffic up and decides to make a U turn onto oncoming traffic and will eventually go about it's merry way. Don't ask me why it's there... I still don't have a clue 'til this very day. Of course, there was a moment just before the light turned red and the truck decided to take off where the few cars in front of me had the opportunity to go on about their merry way. But considering just how intellectually challenged most drivers are in this fair globally warmed up city of ours (AKA: Mi-fucking-ami) is, I wasn't at all surprised that out of the three cars ahead of me, only one had the balls to speed up before the light turned red, like any normal driver would have, regardless of whether or not the firetruck was there at all, because it really hadn't turned on it's sirens yet, so everything was fair game.

So, this car made it through the temporary (and supposed) emergency blockade, leaving two cars ahead of me; one which was a red God knows what halfback and a white Cubanaso flatbed powerhouse truck (with the typical tinted windows). As I found myself held up by the traffic light, I wondered why the hell hadn't these idiots ahead of me just moved? I mean... they had enough time, after all! This train of thought, of course, was derailed by the occupant of the red God knows what halfback who was now shouting at the driver of the white Cubanaso flatbed who was directly ahead of me. So now I'm thinking... I definitely have to make a note to get one of them onboard dash cams just so I can capture footage such as this and upload it to YouTube, just to illustrate to the world just how stupid and disgruntled the heat in this cesspool of a city turns all of its fair citizens into. What I can only gather is that this lady (yes, it was a female... and a very hotheaded one at that) was shouting at the Cubanaso ahead of me because he was apparently honking his horn at her like a mad man. I couldn't exactly make out what she was saying, but I know for sure it was something along the lines of: "Well, what the hell (for lack of a better word) do you want me to do? There's a firetruck there and it's an emergency!"

So after giving her brief roadside sermon just outside of red God knows what vehicle, she slams the door and gets back into her ride, and I'm just rolling my eyes at the spectacle. The light turns green, and the Cubanaso ahead of me decides that he's had enough of this woman's shit and wants to pass her, only she wises up to him pretty quick and decides to play a little game of roadblock with him at my expense. And where does she do this? Just a little up ahead, right where the two parked police cars were. So she's veering off just a bit to the left, occupying the lane that we're on and a bit of the oncoming lane of traffic, which is technically a free for all, since it's a turning lane... and this action infuriates the man in the white Cubanaso truck with the tinted windows enough to make him forget all the vital bits of knowledge that he's learned in traffic school (before and after he got his driver's license, that is) and so his ill timed swerve to the left has made him change his mind immediately, for he knows wants to get around the lady in the red God knows what halfback in the other direction (which just so happens to be the lane that I'm currently occupying!). So his front passenger side wheel nearly clips my driver side front wheel, prompting me to immediately hit the brakes, respond with the obligatory honk, and shout out: "THE FUCK IS THE MATTER WITH YOU, ASSHOLE!?!?" At this point I can feel the adrenalin kick in and the only thing that I'm focused on is driving around the white Cubanaso just so I can catch up to the lady in the red God knows what and tell her to go royally fuck herself for playing games behind the wheel like we were in a live action Mario Kart video game or something. Yes, I got news for you Princess Daisy... I ain't no motherfucking Yoshi, Toad, or a Super Mario for 'yer ass! SO STOP PLAYING GAMES!!!

Actually, what I'm mostly preoccupied with at this point was... didn't the cops see this shit?!? I even glanced over to see this cop that was built like Queen Latifah who was just staring at me with the mirrored glasses shining in the sun and nothing but her own head stuck up her own arse. Pretty useless indeed... I guess you can only count on them to beat the shit and maybe even kill innocent people while these mad fuckers are loose on the road killing everybody else. I suspect there must be some untold and pretty devious circle of life and death balance going on here, folks. Anyways, the car continues on down the road and we all wind up at another stop light further down the stretch. At this point, the white Cubanaso truck with the tinted windows decides to take a right turn and steer away from the crazy bitch with the red God knows what halfback for good, leaving me in the perfect position to get around her, flip her off, and yell some obscenities to her in the process, all the while giving my poor mother a rather stressful attack of the ole' nerves. After all, who in their right mind wants to attract bad vibes by getting all confrontational and whatnot... yours truly, that's who! If you put me in a position where I'm fending for my life behind the wheel simply because you want to play games with someone else, you best be praying that I don't get my ass out of my vehicle and beat the ever loving shit out of you! Of course, that's just the Hollywood movie wash-over version of yours truly talking out of his ass here... the real me just says: yell as loud as you can, and get the fuck out of the place as soon as you can! However, what's interesting to note here is that this lady isn't done playing games, no... far from it. She's still purposely trying to block the white Cubanaso truck with the tinted windows on purpose just to make a point. He manages to squeeze in the right turn only lane, roll down the window, and gets a couple of words into her, edgewise. She responds in kind, and he produces some type of object which he tosses into her car... which basically looked like a discarded piece of trash, like say; a used fast food wrapper of some sort. I can't say for sure, since it pretty much looked like a leaf, and it wasn't too float worthy. As a matter of fact, the thing was so lighter than air that it simply floated once it was launched and simply just flicked off her car. And when this happened, it prompted her to roll down her window so that she can hurl a bottle of water (can't tell for sure if it was Zephyrhills or Evian; which spelled backwards is naive, by the way) with pinpoint accuracy directly at his driver side door. And flung it well, she did; wasting a perfectly good bottle of water and/or beverage reserve, like any typical Republican climate change denier would!

Of course, this exercise in road rage once again held up traffic temporarily and the light had already turned green while this meta bitch was gathering herself together after chucking her water reserve out at her intended victim. This action, of course, granted me the perfect opportunity to go around the red God knows what and scream out at the top of my lungs: GO FUCK YOURSELF, ASSHOLE!!! registering a near seven and a half on the Richter scale and nearly giving me a touch of laryngitis, I might add. This little "release" or unusual touch of road rage on my part (I'm usually very laid back behind the wheel, mind you) left me with my foot on the gas and my eye on the rear view mirror, simply hoping that the bitch on wheels driving the red God knows what halfback would engage me somehow. Matter of fact, I was even considering totaling the car. But again, this is the Hollywood movie wash-over. Once I sobered up and out of the rage, I realized how foolish it all was and more importantly... how lucky I was that I didn't get hurt, because technically once you engage in something as stupid as flinging objects at one another on the road, it's technically considered assault. So I'm just glad I didn't get to that point with these two idiots. But now, you may be reading all this and thinking to yourself... Well, what in the hell does road rage even have to do with eBay at all? Well nothing too immediately relative, but the principals are virtually the same. We are both responsible drivers and passengers and/or sellers and buyers, for that matter. And when I list an item, it's up to a responsible enough buyer to pay for the item (quickly enough, that is) and (hopefully) leave me some feedback upon receiving my sold goods. Of course, not in this day and age, when morons are a dime a dozen and idiotically enforced rules such as a seller not being able to leave negative feedback for a buyer are currently in existence.

I can't even begin to recall and/or recount the number of times I've wanted to leave what would otherwise be considered a very honest line of feedback, such as: "This deadbeat doesn't pay for his shit right away!" Of course, eBay will immediately step in and retract that comment and possibly even have it reflect poorly on my record, which I have very carefully managed to garnish over the past ten years or so, just a wheelin' and dealin' on this damned online storefront. Sure, it may be bad enough when they don't pay for the items they purchased from you, and refuse to respond to any of your messages asking as to the whereabouts of such said payments/moneys/etc. but sometimes it's even worse when you list your item for sale at a certain price (just to make end's meet, of course) and leave a best offer consideration up in hopes that it meets your acceptable price range, and what the potential buyer offers you is complete nonsense. Just this past month I had a few coin lots up for sale (which I eventually broke down into smaller lots, basically because I got tired of dealing with these insults) that had a for sale/best offer price of $195 and $185 and I get offered $35 and $25 for them. Now, as a seller, I know I have obligations to try and haggle to see if I can bring the potential buyer up to the leveled price that I consider fair, but sometimes it's just utterly hopeless to do this and waste your time. It's bad enough that eBay has developed a best offer/counter offer system and successfully installed it in the first place... just to cater to all these cheapo bastards, but it's another thing to have to deal with a heavily diluted buyer who doesn't understand a good enough value when they see it! And what's worse is that they sometimes even have the gall to reply to you stating that they can probably find a better price elsewhere, or already have, for that matter... which always prompts the immediate question in my head: "Well then, why the fuck did you even consider showing me this joke of a monetary number that you pulled out of your ass?" All this for my comical amusement, I suppose?

Of course, I realize that I probably should be blaming myself for not fine tuning my best offer system enough to automatically decline certain offers that fall below a certain price range just to avoid these road rage-like confrontations with these oblivious boneheads, which I'm going to give you a taste of in the transcript below... this probably ranks as number one in my list of assholes that I have to deal with sometimes. Unfortunately, there's no way (that I know of) to report a buyer as an eBay member (and not someone you've actually engaged in a transaction with) if they come across as completely insulting as this latest in a line of . Now bear in mind that the item I'm selling is a collector's set of rare historical US coinage with a cherry finish gatefold wooden box (that unfortunately has a little damage to it) that I'm trying to sell for $85.00 with a best offer price plus free shipping included. So just this afternoon, I get an offer for it for a mere twenty-five bucks (an offer I'm not even going to bother typing in numbers with a dollar sign)! So, for all of you at home, doing your math, that'll leave me with roughly about twelve or thirteen bucks once the shipping, eBay seller, and PayPal fees are all deducted. I made the ill-advised decision to respond with a counteroffer hoping to engage the potential customer in some haggling and sent out a $75.00 consideration instead of just declining the offer right on the spot, just to cut the shit with this cheap asshole, whose messages I've aptly abbreviated with an "AH" to easily reference to in the short transcript of our correspondence below. Get a load of this Oscar award winning response...

*Also note, I'm purposely leaving all the textual and grammatical errors just to highlight the sign of this person's intellect

AH: The case is junk and coins r easy to get 75 is a crazy price for this ,good luck with this sale

PS: So why waste my time then?

AH: Ur wasting ur own time with that item,deuces!!! *Allow me to interject here... but what the fuck is this supposed to mean in the ever increasing decline that is the moronic lexicon of American slang?

PS: Ur? It's pretty obvious that Hooked on Phonics didn't work for you, eh buddy?

AH: No it didn't work for me,but u must be hooked on crack,selling this lot of junk coins,u should keep ur mouth closed u crackhead,eh buddy

PS: Blow me.

AH: U sounded like a yuppie, and u like dudes,just come out of the closet already ,u fudge packer

PS: You know what? This is getting old... I've dealt with far too many cheapskates who can't afford to buy the "junk" that I'm selling and think that they can get away by offering me an insult, that is--- a joke of an offer, like you just have. Think about it, for a second, if you can fathom the notion in that little tiny childlike brain of yours for a second. If I was to accept your measly $25, I would make less than $15 in profit, what with the eBay seller fees, PayPal fees, and USPS priority shipping rate. Do you honestly for a second believe that I'm crazy for sending you a counteroffer just to avoid walking away from this potential transaction feeling like I didn't get hosed if I was to accept that from you? ind me for saying so, but you're awfully rude and are pretty stupid enough not to realize that you can send me a counteroffer in response to my counteroffer. You know... it's this thing that they've invented since the dawn of time, called haggling. Look it up in the dictionary if you got half a mind to spare, pal. And for the record, all yuppies can rot in hell as far as I'm concerned, you friggin' redneck! P.S. Thanks for being the catalyst behind my new blog piece.

AH: Redneck, I'm from Boston,ain't no rednecks up here u clown ,and I still have think your askn way to much ,lose the case you'll probly sell quicker,and maybe u should check out that phonix book ,it sounds like u need to freshen up on sum shit,cya special ed

So to put it in a nutshell... I have now become that bitch in the red halfback hurling a water bottle (AKA: my garnered reputation) at a regular motorist (who just so happens to be quite an unruly and awfully cheap asshole). Basically, these are just some more of the trivial piece of shit things that I should learn to be more mindful of before I lose my cool and blow up at someone... most of all, some random perfect stranger. Which is why it's always best to save my venting for this here blog. Stay tuned for the next post in this series, which will (hopefully) be the conclusion to this heavily disgruntled epic of a trilogy.

This has been P.S. Elliott (AKA: The Road Ragin' Dr. Gonzo XXVII) reporting for the disassociated press, that is... The Gnoyze Guitar Mods & More Web Blog.

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